Postpartum depression

Postpartum depression

Postpartum anxiety

Postpartum blues

I want to start by saying that there is NOTHING wrong with having any of these feelings and there is NOTHING wrong with admitting to having these feelings. These are just titles. They're given so that we, as new mamas, know that the way we feel isn't permanent.

That self-doubting feeling.

That not even sure if you know how to mom feeling.

That not sure if you're going to survive to see another day because you're so dang tired feeling.

That wanting to kill your partner because he can't feed the baby in the middle of the night feeling.

That what in the hell did I get myself into feeling.

That not feeling good enough or perfect enough because you're just such a damn mess feeling.

And not to mention the LONELINESS you feel. You feel so alone like you're the only one who has ever been through it.

Those were the feelings I had after I had Parker. I would push these feelings down farther and farther because I thought something was wrong with me for feeling like this. These feelings didn't come until she was maybe 4 or 5 months old. I didn't understand them. I didn't know postpartum depression could come so late.

I mean I made it through 4 months... I should be celebrating but instead I was crying ... a lot ... about everything.

And I would get angry ... so so angry ... about EVERYTHING.

I would get home from work and be "so tired" that I would lay on the couch after Parker went to bed, not even watch t.v., and just have the saddest thoughts go through my head. It was like I couldn't control it. I would also get so emotional over the smallest things which wasn't like me. For example, if I watched a video of puppies, you could bet I'd be crying for AT LEAST the next 30 minutes. Like what... Or I'd get SO angry over the smallest of situations that would cause me to step back after I threw my fit and just say "ok wow you need to find your chill please and thank you". But you guys, I couldn't find my chill!!! Like anywhere.

So I talked to someone that I was super close with who's had kids and asked her what was wrong with me. She immediately knew it was postpartum depression.

I thought that hearing someone tell me that I had postpartum depression would be upsetting and I'd get super defensive but in a way it gave me a bit of relief. It assured me that the way I was feeling wouldn't be how I felt for the rest of my life. It wasn't permanent. I took medicine for about two months then slowly came off of it and it was like I was a whole new person, even to this day.

The moral of the story is to speak up if you're feeling a little off. Don't be embarrassed. Having a baby changes your body but often we forget how much of an impact it has on our mental health.

Don't let someone tell you that you're just being emotional or you just need sleep - like yes, you probably do need sleep and are a little emotional because of the lack of sleep but you will know the difference in depression and sleep deprivation. Those feelings are not supposed to be there forever. A baby changes you and that's o.k. but don't ignore the signs of depression because you think you can handle it yourself. Sometimes we just need a little help and that's is totally, 100% understandable!

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